Why Should I Feel this Guilt?
Hello again, I know it's been a while, but I wanted to share a story with you, well actually not a story but thoughts..... Today I will lead you down the path of love, love lost, and the guilt of moving on.
The role of the person that wants to hang on walks through the same door everyday, everything they ever felt during the relationship lingers, which leads them down the path of "where did it go wrong?" "what did I do to mess this up?" and "how can I get him back?" It's the darkest, saddest moments of our lives.
The role of the person letting go isn't easy either, the constant feeling that something is missing, struggling daily at trying to figure it out, and the never-ending battle of deciding if the "little missing thing" is worth the ending result. Ending a relationship isn't easy for either person. But.....
But... what happens when you're forced to let go, and it takes what feels like a lifetime to finally crawl out of bed, to get through a day without the tears, to listen to music without it breaking you, to finally be able to live a little. You feel yourself healing, you're dreaming again, moving around in the world and not lost in a fantasy where he comes back to you....
What happens when you finally see yourself moving on, not so much in the game of love, but in the game of life, you're starting to live a little, you're breathing again and ..... the phone rings it's him (after 8 months) his voice pulls you back to a time, a place that you haven't forgotten but you've learned to live with. You hear the sadness in his voice as he goes on about life, and things that have transpired since your break up, never once giving a clue he missed you, but for some reason he needed you at that moment so he called. The call ends and you find yourself, longing for him, and you're angry, old feelings rushing back.... and the a new feeling.... the feeling of 'Guilt'.... How after all this time and hurt could he call and make you feel ...... feel.... "GUILT"?
You weren't the one that wanted to end the relationship, you were the one that tried to reason with him, you were the one that spent many nights/days crying. You were the one that hurt the most. But now you're the one with the "Guilt" you've done nothing wrong, you've only made an attempt to finally live life without him.
Where does this "Guilt" come from? Is it because you've heard the sadness in his voice, or because you know how his life was before you, or how the life he had with you was good and for the most part he was happy, or is it that he struggles with life now? I asked myself those very questions not to long ago.
I would have moved the moon for him, but after he said he needed his ordinary, uneventful life back, I forced myself to finally live. It wasn't an easy journey and it's merely living. We talk every once in a while, he has mentioned he misses me, misses us, but never once has mentioned trying us again. I don't know if I could try "us" again... I am to afraid of the pain, the hurting and fear I'd lose my sanity if I had to go through another break up with him. But I feel this overwhelming guilt that even though I am not completely over him, I've found some happiness, and I hear his deep sadness. I feel guilty when I spend time out with friends, and he's stuck at home alone, I feel guilty when I have family around me, because he's alone and doesn't spend time with his.
I wonder if the Guilt I feel, keeps me from fully moving on?
Love walks in and our world changes in many ways, the colors surrounding us appear to be more vivid, our sense of taste, touch and smell awakes, our heart seems to have a mind of it's own and becomes untamed, uncontrollable. We laugh, cry, we feel joy and pain all at the same time. Falling in love takes time, it develops, evolves and turns into something so powerful, that when we find love it's probably one of the hardest things to let go of.
Even when we think we've found the "love of a lifetime" sometimes it just ends. Sometimes we are forced to let go, and move on. I say forced because sometimes we are still madly in love, while 'the love of a lifetime' feels the need to move on. There are two roles being played in moving past 'the love of a lifetime', the role of the one still hanging on and the role of the one that wants to let go. I believe neither role is an easy role to play.
Even when we think we've found the "love of a lifetime" sometimes it just ends. Sometimes we are forced to let go, and move on. I say forced because sometimes we are still madly in love, while 'the love of a lifetime' feels the need to move on. There are two roles being played in moving past 'the love of a lifetime', the role of the one still hanging on and the role of the one that wants to let go. I believe neither role is an easy role to play.
The role of the person that wants to hang on walks through the same door everyday, everything they ever felt during the relationship lingers, which leads them down the path of "where did it go wrong?" "what did I do to mess this up?" and "how can I get him back?" It's the darkest, saddest moments of our lives.
The role of the person letting go isn't easy either, the constant feeling that something is missing, struggling daily at trying to figure it out, and the never-ending battle of deciding if the "little missing thing" is worth the ending result. Ending a relationship isn't easy for either person. But.....
But... what happens when you're forced to let go, and it takes what feels like a lifetime to finally crawl out of bed, to get through a day without the tears, to listen to music without it breaking you, to finally be able to live a little. You feel yourself healing, you're dreaming again, moving around in the world and not lost in a fantasy where he comes back to you....
What happens when you finally see yourself moving on, not so much in the game of love, but in the game of life, you're starting to live a little, you're breathing again and ..... the phone rings it's him (after 8 months) his voice pulls you back to a time, a place that you haven't forgotten but you've learned to live with. You hear the sadness in his voice as he goes on about life, and things that have transpired since your break up, never once giving a clue he missed you, but for some reason he needed you at that moment so he called. The call ends and you find yourself, longing for him, and you're angry, old feelings rushing back.... and the a new feeling.... the feeling of 'Guilt'.... How after all this time and hurt could he call and make you feel ...... feel.... "GUILT"?
You weren't the one that wanted to end the relationship, you were the one that tried to reason with him, you were the one that spent many nights/days crying. You were the one that hurt the most. But now you're the one with the "Guilt" you've done nothing wrong, you've only made an attempt to finally live life without him.
Where does this "Guilt" come from? Is it because you've heard the sadness in his voice, or because you know how his life was before you, or how the life he had with you was good and for the most part he was happy, or is it that he struggles with life now? I asked myself those very questions not to long ago.
I would have moved the moon for him, but after he said he needed his ordinary, uneventful life back, I forced myself to finally live. It wasn't an easy journey and it's merely living. We talk every once in a while, he has mentioned he misses me, misses us, but never once has mentioned trying us again. I don't know if I could try "us" again... I am to afraid of the pain, the hurting and fear I'd lose my sanity if I had to go through another break up with him. But I feel this overwhelming guilt that even though I am not completely over him, I've found some happiness, and I hear his deep sadness. I feel guilty when I spend time out with friends, and he's stuck at home alone, I feel guilty when I have family around me, because he's alone and doesn't spend time with his.
I wonder if the Guilt I feel, keeps me from fully moving on?
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Wow..is this the same Debbie..? Just kidding..cool new look, same old fire..
ReplyDeleteThose thoughts touched my heart Debbie.Such things happen in life and it hurts a lot,but time moves on and sooner or later we have to move with time.All I can say is being strong is the only necessity in Love,cause Love itself is in-explainable.
ReplyDeleteAlfandi - Thank you for stopping by and leaving your thoughts. Yes same debbie :P ... I also write with Abhisek and a group of great writers here at We Have a Story. Abhisek gets all the credit for the site's look and layout... Thank you :)
ReplyDeleteAbhisek, thanks for your continued support and heart warming thoughts. You are so correct at what you've said about time and moving on... Strength is a huge necessity when it comes to love. Thanks again
Hi Debbie,
ReplyDeleteIt is like reading my story. The thoughts and emotions I have felt and couldnt put it on paper, you did just that! I hope you will move on without the guilt and live life to the fullest and I will try and do the same. Thank you for sharing this.
Rimly, I've often read your poems and wonder if you some how slipped into my thoughts.... Yes it's time to swiftly more forward leaving the guilt behind... After all what do we really have to be guilty for? loving to much.... giving all we are? Thanks for stopping by!
ReplyDeleteYou touched me with this one Debbie....this reminds me of a very close friend of mine,you got me in tears...In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.....We don't have any other option but to move on....but isn't that heart wrenching..
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you had to go through so much pain to get to the other side. I think that it's important to remember that pain and to protect yourself from re-living it. I'm sure your friend is sweet, and I know that because you care about him you don't want him to be sad, but you needn't accept this guilt. Just live and love. He made his choices and must learn too.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for sounding like a mom...but I've been where you are.
Peace,
Leah
Debbie, a tragic tale , beautifully told. Moving on is a choice we have to make to survive, some pretend to move on but nobody ever gets over these feelings completely.
ReplyDeletekeep on moving and stay happy:)
ReplyDeleteAlapana, when we write and it touches our readers it makes the article all that more special. I am sorry about your tears sweet lady... I am learning that I am not the only one that has has this happen to them. Thank you for stopping by ..
ReplyDeleteLeah, thank for for your kind words. I know what you mean about sounding like a mom, the very advice I've given my own children but find it hard to take for myself. Thank you for stopping by
Sulekkha, thanks for stopping by. So true I often wondered if he had (at the time) and I did pretend for a couple months that I had moved on... But I realized the pain I was causing myself was worse than slowly moving onward.
Thanks again everyone for taking time to read my article and for leaving your thoughtful comments.. It's readers like you all that brings a smile to writers faces everywhere.
Dear Debbie.. !!
ReplyDeleteAll of a Sudden I landed here..!
I read,Smiled,Surprised and the Cycle went on till the last period.
Superb Article. You had Viewed 'it' very very Clear..!!