face, every flicker of lashes, every clench

of jaw. Yes, there is.  You can

divine it if you want, wrench

the sense out of it and every lesson,

long drawn out, painful, inch by inch

or dismiss them all, what’s to fathom or to listen?

words, very little really needs

expression.  There was an allure to the blue

darkness, and the spread of electric seeds

somewhere above and far behind you

and they unequivocally decreed

where I should go, and what I should do.

skirted past without making any eye

contact.  Didn’t give in to the urge

even once to look back, didn’t confirm or deny

what could have been made into one verse

of a ballad or a song. Didn’t try

to set any of it into tune or in words.

at being single and poker-faced. Music

finds it harder to be blank. It’s understood

that it’ll take sides. Be merry, morose or cathartic

it’s simply not great at being neutral hued

so I left all notes alone. But couldn’t find or pick

words willing enough, stand-alone enough, and subdued.

Of star-sprinkles on the columns of dark.

Of people brushing past, searches that fail

each of them lighted by an initial spark

that burns out up close.  Of details

that are painfully accurate, yet don’t leave a mark.

Of tunes that can’t be made to fit the scales.

Part III

And all I could think of being was consumingly angry!

“So it was you all the time, what a mean trick to play,

You subjected me to some weird, arbitrary contest,

The very idea of which I frankly abhorred and still detest,

You said you didn’t live here, you lied to keep me away.”

“To love silence one must rise above being judgemental.

Be patient even when baffled and blinded by disappointment.

Now look inside and tell me, even though arbitrary,

If the so-called contest didn’t help you find your poetry,

If it hasn’t taught you better how to remain silent. ”

“A one-line poem is as close as you can get verbally

To silence.  Reaching the destination finally

Is surely less important than feeling the journey?

Anywhere you feel like stepping off can become the end,

But not to feel the topography – the bank and the bend,

Not to stumble over stones, now that’s a loss of poetry.

Part 2

So, this was it? The end of the road, the search was finished?

With confidence and strength both severely diminished,

Nothing achieved except perhaps an ability to précis refined.

“Um….did he leave a forwarding address, where did he go?”

The guard shook the helmet this time, “Sorry wouldn’t know,

And couldn’t tell if I did, security would be undermined.”

Again I came away empty handed, this time there was no task

To baffle my brain, no unanswerable questions to ask,

No points to argue, and no-one to argue them with.

The spark-less poetry now dropped all pretence at lyricism

Days and nights swung by in a hollow arc of cynicism,

Reward for hard work seemed really just a myth.

               Part 1

“I understand.  You want to meet your favourite poet?

But you must first write a single line poem for me.

I have a job to do and you have got to qualify

A single beautiful line must suffice and signify

Your talent. That’s the rule over here for gaining entry.”

There’s the matter of rhyming that has to cleared,”

I argued with him, that inflexible, dense guard.

“And then there’s the scheme and form and feet

Your silly rule will have most people beat,

It makes no sense and it’s far too hard.”

‘I have a surprise for you!’ whispered Joy in Sirin’s ears. Sirin had been sulking the whole day, it was their marriage anniversary and both of them had to leave for work. Joy had a pressing client meet, which he could not give a miss while she had a deadline today for submission. Though their Companies would not shut down if they did not go to work, they were not granted leaves by their respective Bosses! Such was life!

The news of a surprise did not make her jump with joy instead she looked at her husband demanding a more detailed explanation. ‘You always keep saying that there are too many people around…. So today we will go for a candle light dinner and a late night movie after work. It being a Saturday tomorrow, there will not be any hurry. And then… We will spend the evening together watching a movie. What say? Happy?’ Sirin was so happy to hear the plan that she let out a little shriek and hugged Joy with all her might.

‘But, there is one little thing… that we have to keep in mind….We can’t tell anyone about this plan….otherwise it will not work out. Everyone will want us to stay at home for the evening. We will get back from work, and then just say that we are going for little drive, and then get the plan going. What say?’ Sirin was already feeling the adrenaline pumping in her veins. A lie to cover up for a dinner date with her husband…. How exciting was that? She was reminded of their days together before marriage and how they met each other without letting anyone know…. Wow…it would be really nice…she thought.

All charged up for the plan tonight they left on their separate ways to work. The primary task at hand now was to leave work early…. No matter what may come! Sirin was thinking if need be she will submit her resignation and leave early…. Resignation… No…No… that would be a bit too much… may be she will be a little sterner in her request to leave early! Joy had a more friendly work environment at office and it would not be a problem for him to leave early. So now, the success of the plan depended totally on Sirin.

The long hours at office were passing in a daze with Sirin checking the watch every few minutes. By the second half of the day she could not take the strain any longer and almost broke out in a fight with her team member over an issue. Her Boss summoned her to his cabin to ask about the issue. That was the icing on her cake of worries… however; she calmed herself and tried to give him a sane justification of her reaction. Although not fully convinced, he let her go and carry on with her work.

At 5.30 in the evening her phone buzzed with an incoming text from Joy: ‘Leave now… or we will be late. I am on my way to home!’ She knew that…. She knew that all too well that she had to leave soon, but she was yet to get her permission. She peeped into her Boss’s cabin to see him laughing heartily over the phone. That was, by far, a good sign, he was in a good mood and she could get her permission. And right she was in assessing the situation! He did not cause her any more worry and gave her permission to leave in 10 minutes sharp. Happy was too less a word to describe her state of mind… ecstatic was her mood! She rushed to her work station to wrap up the pending stuff and give some instructions to her colleague in case her work encountered some problem and rushed out of the building to reach home.

You definitely know what I am talking about: the guilt feeling and blow that you receive to your self-esteem when an outsider passes a verdict on you. They usually draw the conclusion from a distance rather than looking what is going on inside. You are no exception even I faced the same.

We all live in a glass house and that is a reality. It is hard not to compare yourself to everyone who surrounds you. Between family, Facebook and even community, we are surrounded by stories and images that tell us about how others’ are living their lives. Unfortunately, these frequent social comparisons lead to destructive emotions and unhappiness along with behaviors like regret, guilt and ultimately lying.

It is what you do not see matters the most. A rich and full life involves a number of trade-offs. No matter how “successful” a juggler you appear to be, you can never do everything well. That friend of yours who shows the brilliantly well-kept living room will definitely have the rest of her house in a mess. Again, maybe she stays at her home for only 8 hours each day. Or else, she might have not got that promotion last year.

The art of doing a successful trade-off

You will never be able to know what trade-offs someone has made when you observe them. The exterior projection is never true. Therefore, when people compare you with something they do not fully understand does never make sense. Neither should you compare yourself with anyone since you do not know what he or she actually is!

Fellow working Ladies, can we please be more compassionate to ourselves? Instead of worrying about how one can stack up against everyone else, can we take a few minutes to get clear our own priorities each day or maybe once a week? Once we start reorienting ourselves, even the worst comparison will look relatively painless.

I would love to see a lot more compassion from one Lady to another. Just because something is a priority for you simply doesn’t mean it is my priority. So, for a change let us all please stop the judging game and lets show some respect for all the trade-offs each of us make.

Aradhana was sipping her tea and stared hard at the scenery outside the staff room window. A Biology teacher at a reputed school, she hardly got time for luxuries like this on weekdays. Her weekends were also packed to the full, both her children were appearing for the Board exams this year; Aarti was in Class X while Arun was in class XII. In order to keep them in a tight schedule, she herself had to adhere to a strict routine and constantly keep track of their studies. But today, no matter how much she tried her thoughts kept meandering away from work and took her back to her past and her memories. Tired at last, she kept the glasses down from her eyes and started staring outside the window to welcome the unabashed flow of memories.

It was sometime in their college days, Pradip and Aradhana were the most-talked-about couple in campus. They complimented each other like a ship and its anchor. They were the favorite students of their professors too. The college fests seemed colorless in the absence of Aradhana and Pradip’s duet songs; they were talented in the true sense. Enjoying each other’s company and competing for grades they reached their final year. Love between them was evident and they had taken that fact for granted. A week after their final exams they sat at the college grounds sitting back to back with each other, so that neither could see the face of the other. 

‘Now that I can’t see you…you don’t need to be shy with me….tell me something… what are your plans for us?’ questioned Aradhana playfully. ‘What plans? There are no plans…. Let’s see who bags a job first’ replied Pradip’ 

‘That and all are fine….but what about marriage and plans about us in the future? You do have some plans…right?’ This question jolted Pradip from behind her, and he sat straight facing her with surprise in his eyes. ‘Wait…wait…you are going too fast…what marriage? When did I ever tell you any such thing?’ 

Aradhana was clearly embarrassed at the question, she somehow managed: ‘You never said any such thing… but isn’t it evident? I mean after we get jobs you do want to marry me…Right?’ asked Aradhana with a lot of doubt clouding her eyes. Pradip was caught off guard. He swallowed hard and said: ‘Look…. I love you a lot but I am not ready for marriage….. I have to look after my parents and family…. Get a job…buy a Flat then a car maybe….I don’t know what exactly…but marriage is certainly not there for at least five or six years’ Aradhana looked defeated…it was, as if, someone had hit her hard. 

‘All that is fine with me… if you tell me so…. I will wait for you…. But you don’t want to marry me…..right? And there is no concrete reason for that…..isn’t it so?’ she replied with tears choking her voice. All her friends had warned her that she should clarify their relationship status before proceeding but she had always thought that their relationship was way ahead of all these things. She too had an ambition; she also looked ahead to a secure future but with Pradip. Without him, all her dreams were incomplete. She looked at Pradip and saw how helpless he was looking, trying to conjure up a reason why he couldn’t marry her. There was actually no reason behind it. In that one moment, she realized how wrongly she had interpreted all his actions and their relationship. She realized that as a guy he was a little immature and felt sorry for him. She tried to ease the tension: ‘It’s ok….you don’t need to look so guilty…. Stay normal please….. I understand….’ she assured holding his hand in hers.

That was then and this is now. Life had taken so many unexpected turns. Now she was married to one of the most wonderful and understanding persons and had two lovely children. She was even successful in her career. What more could a person want? She had found friendship in her marriage like she had never thought before. She could not ask for more, her husband was actually her friend. They shared all things small or big, good or bad in life.

She had never felt the need to hide her relation with Pradip from him. Although they led separate lives they could not let go off each other. Aradhana had reconciled her fate of living without Pradip as her husband but they had never lost touch with each other. Abhay, her husband now, came into her life through a marriage arranged purely by relatives and family. On the first day itself, when he had come to see the prospective bride, Aradhana had told him about Pradip and how she cannot bear to severe her friendship with him. Although certain, that this confession would scare away Abhay, like all his preceding suitors, Aradhana was stunned when he did not object to any of it and rather agreed to marry her happily. That was perhaps, the best thing that could happen in Aradhana’s life.

Up until her marriage, she did not feel how much she needed to be loved and cared for. Abhay was all that Pradip was not. Over the years her relationship with Pradip took a more maternal turn, her love for him changed from that of a lover to a good friend, who cared for him like a parent or an elderly relative. On the other hand, Abhay slowly seeped into the cracks and crevices of her life and held her strongly like the roots of a Banyan tree on a dilapidated wall of some old house. Pradip never married, but he did remain a part of Aradhana’s life, Abhay welcomed him as a friend into his life too. With time, Aradhana became a happy wife to Abhay and a loving mother to his children.

Her phone beeped. She picked it up to receive a mono-syllabic text from Pradip saying ‘Reached’! She was about to reply to his text when the phone rang again. It was Aarti calling, she picked up without delay and her daughter’s voice hurried on:

‘Ma, where are you? I’m waiting for you in front of the school? Have you left?’ Caught off guard, she hurriedly replied: ‘I’m on my way…. I was caught up in some work. Don’t go anywhere…I will be there in a minute!’