Bruise. Tint. Truth.
In search of the whitest white, that could dazzle me of its bright.
The colour so pure, tinted itself bruising with the red,
broken heart I sit, searching for the dazzling ray of light.
Shallow height, shallow sight, shallow in the mind.
Shallow was the smile, shallow was the While, shallow was all..
Shallow was the call, nothing was as tall.. Its all in the mind.
The shallow within the white, the white within me,
the white tinted with shades of red in the course of time
while the soul cries deep down, you might see.
Within, is now shallow,
smiling at the white.
Lost its lustre..
weeping thus so quiet.
This is what I wrote a long ago in my blog. Many failed to understand. I feel I should explain it today, here, if not anywhere else. Today I stand eligible to explain this piece of mine.
I was in the search for myself, my wishes.. my expectations. As a guy who is always confused about what exactly he wants, I kept on relying on people I believed to be true... they were tall in my eyes. I could actually see myself, down the line... 5 years, successful, mature.. happy.
But what does happiness come with? How can I be happy with things, people I trust believes I shall be happy with? Circumstances moulded me to become gentle, obidient, efficient and loyal.. but directionless. Perhaps I cannot judge myself good, with all the directionlessness and perhaps all the possible good qualities that I could have imbibed. I started discovering myself.. I started searching for the whitest white. Slowly.. the tall peoples' tall claims appeared very shallow..emptying my mind, filling my eyes with an awestruck hopelessness. It was me who believed, it had been them who did good to me.. perhaps I was right, but that was definitely not what I wished to have.The Truth appeared/appears oblivion, while the red of cruelity.. the red of lustful passion did touch me, making me cry to the tunes that the Satan played. Within myself, is not the same person anymore. It is shallow, while the white, the true person has lost the mettle in him, weeping quietly remembering the directionlessness of his journey.
THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
It was dark. Arpita was on her way back home. She was alone that scary night. The wind, that night was turbulent. It was a warning for the imminent storm. She knew it was unsafe to walk this isolated street at near midnight. But thanks to the scintillating shine of the full moon, that at least she could see her way. Now, a trouble lay ahead of her. The road now diverted into two. By which one shall she go???
The first one was the one she always chose to travel by but the other she had never even considered of taking. The other road was a shortcut but everyone avoided talking it. The path of this road was covered with overgrown grasses and mosses. The look gave a menacing feeling to the ones who even deem of walking on the path. This road had its path through the middle of a graveyard. The locals always said they heard daunting voices and screams form the graveyard during night. They considered it a junction for the demons, ghouls, witches and the spirits of the dead….
Arpita opened the gate of the graveyard and took the half lit lantern. As she walked a little forward the gate behind her slammed shut with a loud bang. Arpita stood where she was paralyzed with shock...waiting for some spirit to come for her and take away her life…But nothing happened...Atleast until then…she explained herself that the door slammed shut due to the rowdy wind blowing. She took a few more steps with her heart thumping hard on her chest. But then she alleged that she had seen someone behind the bushes. She looked out there but could not see anyone, was it… she shook her head again; maybe it was only that she had had many bad thoughts that’s why every movement seemed scary to her. Just then there was a strong lightning followed by violent thunder. Arpita screamed her lungs out. She was now trembling with fear. All she wanted to do was run as fast as she could to her home. Her safe home. Arpita kept on comforting herself that everything would be okay. Within some time she would be at home. By keeping this in mind she moved on but then she had the peculiar feeling of being watched.
“Who is there?” shouted Arpita. There was no reply. “Who’s there?” Again no reply.
Arpita had tears rolling down her cheeks. She was extremely terrified. Over her sobs she heard the laughter of someone, some child… The wind grew more and more fierce. There was no other sound except the blowing noise of the winds and the sobs of Arpita. And then Arpita’s lantern went of…OH NO!!! Now what will she do…Arpita had now lost all the hope of getting out of this graveyard safely…Her sobs grew louder. What would happen now??? She took a few steps forward and then there she had a glance at something eerie crawling towards HER. Lightening struck. She saw it. It was a GHOUL. How could this be possible? Now all the stories that had existed about the graveyard had turned true.
The ghoul was creepy. It had long ears and extensive eyes. From his mouth blood dripped. His color was grayish blue, EW!!! OH MY GOD!!!
Arpita bellow in horror. What was going to be of her??? She would be dead in few more minutes. She turned around and started to run to the entrance of the graveyard….and then OH GOD…She tripped!!! She tripped in front of a grave as she did her head up she saw a bloody hand raise up from the grave stone. Terrified Arpita quickly got up to her feet.
She began her run to the door again. Once more she heard, not only heard but also saw the spirits of two children laughing and playing. This graveyard was truly a junction of the supernatural and Arpita was going to be turned into one of them. While running Arpita saw a skull, A SKULL lying half hidden under the dry leaves. Far away somewhere, Arpita could hear the hoot of an owl. Arpita knew the demons were chasing her. She had to get out of here. She had to reach the entrance gate. She had to be quick as she could hear the rustling of leaves behind her which indicated the arrival of the demons.Arpita’s heart was thrashing against her; it seeded as if it would just come out of her. What a pain it was! She wished she had never chosen this way. But what crying over spilt milk!
She could now see the entrance gate a few feet away from her. She tripped again!
This time she did not have the energy to get up quickly too. The demons were now at a foots distance from her. She got up. And tried to move but oh, She could not! The ghoul had had hold of her right foot. Arpita had been caught. She could not get out of the ghouls hold; it was too tight and painful. The other demons (zombies, spirits and more ghouls) came towards her. She was now in the middle of these dangerous creatures. They all were thirsty for her blood, for her life…Arpita Screamed an excruciating scream…
“Arpita, Arpita, wake up! Wake up darling!”
Arpita slowly opened up her eyes. She saw the ceiling above her and then her mother beside her. Arpita was over the moon when she saw this. She tightly embraced her mother into her arms.
“Arpita what’s wrong with you? A moment ago you were screaming that spine chilling scream and now you are smiling such a wide smile.” Said her mother and checked her temperature
“Oh ma! How was I saved?”
“Saved? Saved from what child?” asked her mother with a quizzical look.
“Saved from the demons mom.” Said Arpita. She too was confused by her mother’s behavior.
“Oh child you surely had a bad dream yesterday the whole day you were with me.” Replied her mother laughing.
“What a dream?” said Arpita. Now her head was swirling around and round. How could she have imagined all this I all seemed so real? Oh god what was this!
“Ha ha ha darling I have told you so many times don’t watch these stupid horror movies before going to sleep. See what this dream has done to you. You are sweating child.” Said her mother
This all had been a dream. Arpita wiped her forehead. It was atleast better than all this being real. Arpita took a deep sigh and made it a resolution never to watch horror movies again before going to sleep.
At the end of it
To you I was led by an unknown worship,
Bond with you through my prayer
You are not a dream as it may seem,
God almighty for my worships, care.
My worship has with it
all the love, my devotion and the soul.
We two beads bond together by the feat,
You are the person, my worship and my goal.
The magicians' gift to my devotion,
Colours spilling magic all around.
It is you who is chosen,
It is you whom I have found.
-
I NEED TO BE TOLD I AM LOVED.....AM I ASKING FOR TOO MUCH?
I need to be told that I am loved. I may not be the perfect lover, I often say what is on my mind, I may be the one to start a fight, I may be possessive, and very often take time to understand things, I may be moody and childish, but please don't forget, I am faithful, I am trustworthy, and above all I love you from deep inside.
In all these years, from years back, now and Forever!
Sometimes I feel, like a I am a part of a jigsaw puzzle simply trying to figure out where I should place myself. I know life is not the fairy tale I imagined it to be. At least I am fortunate enough to have found love. Yet, why do I feel insecure...like it is slipping away from me? I don't want to be 'wanted', I want to be 'needed'. Am I asking for too much? Am I not capable of holding on to love when I know for sure I can give love?
Without your love I feel like I am walking on life's road all alone and my life seems meaningless. Without your love I can only try to go back to the things I liked to do. But I can't because your thoughts haunt me day and night. After giving you MY all…..MY every thought…MY love...how can I save myself from this ocean like loneliness..?
Because I can't swim to save myself!!!!!
Alpana Jaiswal
Copyright@Motifs2010
Picture: Courtesy Google Images
We actually have a story!
This is my first post, so before I actually write anything worth suiting the blog.. I found out - we actually have a story!
We, not you.. not me alone. The concept of "we" have evolved over the years and with the popularity of social media, its no more "you", and definitely not "me".
We are here to write, to post stories.. to share our "own" stories.. in a way making "our" story. The success story of this blog, about being "us", of the use of social media and the society in large.
Social media in the last one and a half years, has taken our society by a storm, uplifting us to the level next. The level that considers shaking hands and hugging as offline..sharing files and status updates as online ! Innumerable tweetups , blogger meets in the country.. human networking at its best. The world had been a small place, internet made it smaller...we perhaps making it the smallest possible place to live it. Thats our story!
We are building our community.. our religion. The religion with perhaps two rituals - expression and popularising. This new religion of our smallest world is our story!
Our friendship, our collaboration... is our story...
Our individual posts, our shared stories... are just another story...
Well, We Have "A" Story !
We Have A Story
Just as I was adamant about not having one now, Ron was equally dogged about having one. So one day in the dead of the night while I was sleeping, he heard this lost pup crying across the street. His soft heart couldn’t take it so he brought this poor little baby home. I woke with a start when I heard my son stealthily go to the kitchen to fetch milk for the pup. I didn’t have the heart to tell him to abandon the pup where he found it so we both got a shoe box with some old rags for it to spend the night downstairs, all the time dreading my mom’s reaction next morning. One thing I made it clear to my son that the dog cannot live in the house. Next morning with trepidation I told my mom the story and she very grudgingly accepted the fact that there was a dog to stay. So Scruffy that is his name given by Ron has become a part of our family, sometimes a joy, sometimes a menace…
I must have been about 17, almost Ron’s age now when I had the good fortune to experience something extraordinary with my dog Lassie. I had written about it a couple of years back and the article was also published in a magazine. I want to share it with you. My friend Sulekha and I go back a long way and she has read this article before. I hope you like reading it as much as it has given me pleasure to share it…
Once Chance In A Lifetime
My brother and I always aspired to be doctors. While he stuck to his goal to become one, I somewhere along the way gave up on it. It was mainly because of the frequent visitor that I was to hospitals, being accident prone. Every second month I would be dragged to the hospital for some stitch or the other! So my dream to become a doctor someday died as I grew up. But someone up there had heard my wish and I did get my one chance to don the mantle of a quack!
We had an Irish setter called Lassie, a ferocious bitch who guarded us with snarls and barks. Though a pure breed, she decided to fall in love with a handsome black Labrador (her neighbor) and start a family of her own. In her canine parlance he must been the ideal tall, dark and handsome guy she could have as her soul mate! It was the peak of summer and I remember all of us preparing her to bring her babies to this world. We did up her kennel which was in our garage (Mom had put her foot down about Lassie having her babies inside the house). Lassie may have appreciated all our earnest efforts but she was one stubborn bitch. She had already set her eyes on delivering her young ones inside the house and so it happened!
The big day came and she sneaked under our parent’s bed. The room was air-conditioned and she settled in there. Anybody, including my dad who tried to bring her out came face to face with bared teeth. Having no choice I crawled under the bed and kept vigil. She didn’t mind as she was comfortable with me. I will never forget that magical moment. Life of any kind is a miracle and to assist in bringing forth a life is a humbling experience. Lassie’s bag burst! And as she pushed, I watched with awe and pulled out one tiny wonder after another. There were six of them, blind as bats but struggling to move. Animals don’t have a doctor, a nurse or an attendant to clean up the mess after babies are born so God has taught them to clean up on their own. They eat their own placentas and lick their babies clean.
Lassie did just that while I watched dumbstruck. Once a mother, any species protect their little ones with an unmatched ferocity but I think for Lassie I became the trusted one. She allowed me to carry her pups to the intended delivery room, closely following behind and it was here for the next one month I took on the role of a pediatrician, where no one dared venture near her or her pups, except for me.
Today Lassie is no more and all her little ones, I am sure are also grandparents, but I will always remember that special moment which she and I shared. My brother is the gynecologist in the family today and I am just an ordinary woman. While my brother experiences these magical moments everyday when he delivers human babies, I too can say that I got a chance once in this lifetime to experience one such magical moment because my Lassie had placed her trust in me.
Why a costly smile?
Dated 30th December, '09
Laziness ?? Is that it?? I will rather call it… a moment to think about yourself.. a moment to think about whats happening around you.. a silent date with yourself…
Laziness ?? Is that it?? I will rather call it… a moment to think about yourself.. a moment to think about whats happening around you.. a silent date with yourself…
Sitting beside the window of my room.. I can see a woman totally covered with a brownish shawl on the roof of the adjacent building…I can hear a metallic sound , dunno from what the sound is coming from…. I can feel the silent breeze tenderly touching me….
There’s a little sapling trying to show its face from under the ‘siltech water tank’ on the adjacent roof…its fighting hard for its existence in this material world…
A crow diving from the roof without the fear of falling….
"A sketch by me!"
We, the people… we have so many things… a house to stay inside… cloths to cover us… tv’s to watch .. phones to talk… & many more… but ‘they’ freeze in the cold.. they dont have tv’s to watch…not phones to talk.. but still there’s no sign of sorrow in there face… how can they be happy??
“Happiness lies in the way you want to see it”.. my date with myself left me with a smile in the face… I think i’m happy!! What about you?
[N.B- This is a page from my diary which I wanted to share with all of you]
NO TIME TO GO FAST
If this was my last day on earth, how would I want to spend it?
‘The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity.’ SenecaOkay, calm down, relax….let me drink some water….I would probably do this, if I survived the initial shock of this statement, after all who wants to die!! Then I will want to find out, is everybody in the world going to die in one day or is it just me? That might change a few things...Pray to go to heaven….if there is a place called heaven….or I will try to stop the earth from rotating... So that the next day never comes... lol!!
I might waste a lot of time wracking my brains, trying to find out how I should spend it…. I guess I would do everything humanly possible to make my last day the best! I will show my love to the ones, I care about the most so they remember me in a good way…. Spend most of it with my daughter….the only regrets I will have, of dying….making good long lasting memories…. would hold onto to her and never let go! Seriously, I would spend the whole time with my baby, squeezing her, and loving her along with my Mom, she has been my rock and I would tell her how much I love her, and how much I appreciate her. I would have to resolve everything and not hold back.
I might waste a lot of time wracking my brains, trying to find out how I should spend it…. I guess I would do everything humanly possible to make my last day the best! I will show my love to the ones, I care about the most so they remember me in a good way…. Spend most of it with my daughter….the only regrets I will have, of dying….making good long lasting memories…. would hold onto to her and never let go! Seriously, I would spend the whole time with my baby, squeezing her, and loving her along with my Mom, she has been my rock and I would tell her how much I love her, and how much I appreciate her. I would have to resolve everything and not hold back.
Gosh, if I was told this, I would spend most of it crying also, and holding on to my loved ones. The thought of only having one day to tell them everything I want them to know and remember would be so hard to do and the very thought of knowing that I would never see them and be with them again would be heartbreaking . I pray this never happens, I would rather not know I was dying then to have a time limit and wait with dread for this day to come.
The Power of Love
The things I have learned of love in life are endless. They seem unimportant until something happens to give the lesson due importance at a later stage in life.
I have learned that it is possible to separate from the person you truly deeply love and still remain connected forever, that too, not by making an effort at trying to forget but by acknowledging that such love and depth of feelings do exist for the person concerned. Then, no matter where you go, you never stop loving.
I have learned that a friend can turn into someone you love very much but to turn a lover into a friend never happens. It is utter stupidity.
I have learned that in matters of love it works out best when you give your all and not want anything in return. The grief is not there then. It is just an inner peace that comes with the realization that you have the right to fall in love with someone but no right is ever given to you to expect the person to love you as much and in the same manner.
I have learned that it is possible to separate from the person you truly deeply love and still remain connected forever, that too, not by making an effort at trying to forget but by acknowledging that such love and depth of feelings do exist for the person concerned. Then, no matter where you go, you never stop loving.
I have learned that a friend can turn into someone you love very much but to turn a lover into a friend never happens. It is utter stupidity.
I have learned that in matters of love it works out best when you give your all and not want anything in return. The grief is not there then. It is just an inner peace that comes with the realization that you have the right to fall in love with someone but no right is ever given to you to expect the person to love you as much and in the same manner.
"US"
As you gathered me in your gentle armsThe chaos that raged in me ceased….
Like the ebb of the tide
The tumultuous angry waves of my thoughts calmed.
Just you and that embrace
And my doubts and fears were laid to rest.
I was home again.
As you parted my hungry lips
My slumbering soul came alive…
You breathed life into me again
With those sensuous tender lips
And as I took in the nectar of our love
I was born again.
As you unfurled the petals of my being
I surrendered to our dance of ecstasy…
With our limbs intertwined
I danced in tune with your rhythmic body
And my heart soared with passion.
I was one with you again.
As we lay in each other’s arms
Spent and sated…
I etched the very essence of you in my heart
To walk me through the lost and lonely days
That would hound my emptiness.
Us, a memory once again.
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